make it your own.

we must remember the reasons we do what we do
so we don't forget who we are.
for in the process or creation
we become frustrated by the pieces used
to create the whole.
keep focus of the gestalt,
while dealing with the details.
keep the remembrance of the ones fallen, hurt,
so you can do what you need to do.

we must remember the reasons
we do what we do.
because if we forget-
they will forget as well,
as the histories that have come before.
unless we pass on the language-
it will die.
there is a fire, and it will burn.
burn this place down.

ba ba baba ba

I've found a coffeeshop that reminds me of chicago.

and gives hints of
ohio in the fall.

i think it has more to do with the surroundings and the buildings
than the coffee itself and it's close to classes.

driving down to sf,
even for better coffee (much better)
just requires the emergence of my loud engine.
and...i don't feel like that.

it's surrounded by these trees and the streets are
just the right size and just narrow enough.
it was man mad to look like an old city
when it's probably just a 20 year old road.

but i can always imagine its a grown up.




and i also enjoy brown sleeves with the simple logo.

oh, maker...

i was supposed to meet with jet tonight
but meeting in the morning
followed by a writing session where i completely changed two scenes...
in a way that completely changes the tone-
but in a good way.
i added a song.
we'll see.
just like a gay guy eh?

and why isn't janelle monae the queen of music yet? i'm still confused. lady gaga interests me- but janelle inspires me. hm,
God bless them
both, and i made some really great
chicken with cereal i had left over.
but i'm over cereal for breakfast.

yum.

who knew chicken and kellogs would work so well?
maybe rachel ray.
but she's a bit of an anomally yes?
with her 30 minute wine making sessions and perky
quips and quabs and acronyms and such.



well,
God bless her.

Amen and Amen.

before tomorrow.

Things to do on 9 22
Look for a job
Room 509 10 to 1
look at cameras
and end the day with a smile.
or make an attempt to
and not a glass of wine
or a bottle of beer.

no alcohol til the weekends.
not because i can't do it
(i've done it)
just because its too tempting.
i don't drink that much
why do i even censor myself
because i want to prove i can?
possibly.

on a lighter note- i finally made perfect poached eggs.



i am the winner.

make me holler.

it's funny how amazing music is timeless. marvin gaye- inner city blues...amazing. and look how prevalent its lyrics still are. every time i watch the news or hell just look outside sometimes. it's not even a black and white thing. it's just all these separations.

and when i look at the television. is america stupid? or we stuck on a two second culture? are we literally the now generation or are we a generation that's still yet to come. the attention deficit is in our blood. so connected to the world by smart phones and computers and rabid technology that we forget ourselves we're so busy being around someone else's. i'm bound to be a rigid individual and stick to my guns whatever they may be- of a boxless nature. of casual sway into as much of different as i can find and being okay with that. no saint. just an arachnid nature.

let these separations stop and not be afraid to forget the box that THAT box has put us in. the tv, the set, the flat screened god that we've carved to see our fantasy. to see something we will never ever be. to see boxes placed so strategically that we can't even see they are there.

these kids and their box. now I'M the one that wants to scream out of a window "I"M MAD AS HELL AND I"M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" but where am i gonna go after it's said? how am I gonna change this Godforsaken world? Yeah I'm mad as hell but if i'm not gonna take it anymore wht the hell am i gonna do?! kill myself?! or do i find a solution? no one ever answers that question do they? it's always do what you can to survive...survival of the fittest...and you do whatever you can to survive, you even whisper. sometimes you don't even talk.

because we're blinded by the glow of a flashbub that's not even in front of our eyes. we're blinded by the absolute contradiction to all we know is true. to that narrative that's never told by a real girl or boy or by that lover who's never too dark and never too light. or by an organized stunt called reality.

look down at your hands and realize all the amazing things you could be doing instead of jerking off to some smut porn you watch because you're lonely, instead of clicking some key to a device that we can never open because we're too distracted by that colorful display of images it's always throwing at us, blinding us. maybe we're not blinded by the light, maybe we're just blinded because we don't know what to look for. i looked in the mirror first.

summer black.

a: i feel like such a gay.

b: why?

a: i'm sitting here slightly buzzed after a club listening to "someday my prince will come" by ron carter.

b: shit, at least it's by ron carter and not a dance remix...i mean...you do live in gay atlanta.

a: this is true. so i guess it's not so bad. i still feel a bit submissive.

b: and submissive is bad.

a: only when the dominant is someone you've never met.

i hear them mumbling in the background as he goes into heaven.

fuck the club
and fuck da dj
imma be the one
that put the record on the replay
and if you feeling righteous
feel free to sing along
it's the "do what you gotta do" song.

yeah if you don't want me to read into it
write another book
i only read what's there
i'm not addicted to despair

back at home
at 4 am
and john coltrane plays
to my frequent ears
a little too much vodka
a little too much pain
a little too many kisses
from some boy who you wish you didn't know his name.
forward momentum on my wall
does my voice still carry a word to call?

been reading bourdieu
this dominant feud.
how can i change
what the populists view?
these rhymes are predictable
and so is my new-
it's old to those who've had it
and present to those who take the cue.

and the piano is gentle
and i'm good in my mood.
and i kinda wish he was here.
it's unfortunate
it's cruel.
and michael is dead
left eye is too
2pac went before
biggie sang the blues
seems the ones who carry the torch
are the first to fall
i don't wanna be a martyr
i just wanna stop the crawl
i wanna run
i wanna scream
i wanna be more than sexual insanity
i wanna be more than porn on saturday nights
i wanna be more than a bathhouse that sells right
i wanna be more than a wet kiss on the ama's
i wanna be more than Aids HIV and a bloody stain.
i'm trying though
i'm trying though
i'm trying though
who knows.

i'm a vodka mess
and this saturday goes to show
how few and frequent they come
at least there's no blood running from my nose-
i stop at the candy-
it's too much for me-
i'm holding back
there's nothing that this world can do for me-
maybe i can do for it-
instigate some permanent kick
i wanna cry when i hear george cables
"looking for the light" is the first song that plays
how tragic how right-
an ad plays against the spotlight-
advertising something i don't need-
trying to bombast the sweet eloquent tranquility of a
flute and a piano and America's music-
i want to scream out
"GOD! why did you do it? why did you make me this, why did you
abandon us, why did you leave us foul? why did you make your followers
such a cruel uncaring child!"
metaphysical mess,
blessed is the unrest
we keep moving til we find a stream
now i hear john coltrane
and his many favorite things-
and I hear a bit of God
in those saxophone wings
and it's okay-
it's okay i dream,
a little more water
and a little more time
just another kiss
and it'll be fine
a little more water
and a little more time
just another try
and it'll be fine.

jazz freedom fighter.

Poverty and paranoia every channel got em for you.
Sick with the critical mass of a new pop culture attack.
So scream at your radio, and scream at your desk.
Scream at the movie screen and scream at the so called best.
Tell them if they've got a voice, to make some fucking noise.
We got the bang bang
but we also got a choice.
So turn off your radio, turn off your movie screen,
Turn off your T.V. unless you see it's me...

galvanize/energize.
galvanize/energize.
galvanize/energize.

GO.

dear diary. today i saw a boy. no, i'm lying. i saw no boy. YEP! that's my life. lonely.

a possible reason i cannot sleep at night.
i work out at night.
i need to remember to write in this each day.

just so i can say i write each day.
at the end of my life i want to be able to say
i wrote every single day of my life.

whether it be on the back of a bubble gum wrapper
or on the back of my hand-
i'll never let a line go unnoticed. it's a good habit.

bacon.

Prada. Yeah. Remember when I used to wear Atari shirts? Man I used to hate fashion. Albeit it still is a bit of a vapid form of career. It's not as vapid as I once thought. Especially considering, as one grow up, one realizes the restraints placed upon by society.

I understand the meaning behind hair dye, and scissors for clothes, and learning to sow, and buying what you want, and dressing ridiculously. That's basically the only bit of control you have over yourself. With the rest of the world coming in you're able to protect your heart and the rest of whatever else it is you are (if you're lacking a heart) by what you wear. Even though we always say we are not the clothes we wear and we are not our hair, we really are. Those that take a care and put a bit of art and admiration into the way they look basically say to the rest, that this is what I own and all that I am.

How pretentious of me yes? I know, I can feel one half of myself hating the other half, but it really is true. After dealing with bills and loans and school and work and traffic, and oil spills, all that we have left is our possessions and how we personalize them.

So I now understand the reasons why fashion exists. As a way to be who we are in a world most of us were shielded from as children.

"Jesus was Black...So was Cleopatra"

i do love gaga.

and i do love madonna.

with that said,

i will say this:

the problem i have with gaga i think is that she is getting credit for being completely original, while other artists that did it first get no credit at all. ie: bjork, grace jones, kylie minogue, la belle, etc etera, et cetera.

much like my problem with britney's rabid fan base who think she can do no wrong, i think the pop music scene has been so missing someone of true talent for so long the gaga monsters are literally turning into monsters protecting their master at any cost. it's loyalty at its best and something any pop star/ entertainer would crave. but my fear is with the fans, especially American fans when education and an appreciation of ones history seems to be very low on the list of priorities. (Hello Dekalb County)

So, I suppose my phrasing could be seen as a more complex: "Originality is Dead" but originality died once the wheel was invented. Re-invention will never die, and that is what keeps entertainment and this world fresh in our over-stimulated eyes.

and i think as long as people especially young homosexuals know that the current gay icons, borrow a lot of their form from artists that have come before, it will be good. the problem lies in people not knowing enough about their history, or the history of music/entertainment and culture to know what is truly original and what is re-invention (I just contradicted myself. I suppose I should have said what is a moment of true re-invention versus a forced re-hash of an old idea that presents itself as new.)

The moment of danger comes when the idea of re-invention is denied. When the subject itself claims complete originality. Apple is good at this, but, while their tech specs may not be as great as the Google Phone or the Palm Pre or whatnot, the reason they are so popular is their marketing still identifies the machine as nothing without a human. Because, even with all the technology in the world, humans still desire to be human. Apple computers are all about the interaction and the heart that its phones have, while the Google Phone and Droid phone ads are more about the tech and the machinery (especially the Droid phones- what with there not being a single human in any of the commercials, but the faceless dark arms and hands of a machine created after the zombie apocalypse maybe? Iunno)

As we've seen over the past year, Ms. Gaga's outfits have slowly crept back into the realm of human, her hair has become shorter, her face more pale and her expressions more human. And she's never been more popular.

And, of course there is nothing wrong with enjoying a fun pop song and some great outfits- just..."know your history."

viola

as it stands my eyelids fall
this tv more than a paycheck unfortunately
waits simple in front letting me feel a little bit of nothing
for a little while longer.
oh, numb feels good.

as is.

[I'm finally opening the mail from Hawken. Each day I get new mail and I'm always so nervous to see what's inside. It's nerve wrecking. What was the price paid for me going to an "elite private school"? That I didn't have enough money to pay for an "elite college" experience? Grants help out but grants run out as well. I think about my former classmates and what they must be doing and each morning I wake up...most mornings I wake up, in my head I think, "3 years to make something of myself", "2 years to make something of myself". My ten year school reunion is coming up, and I've yet to even start my own life.

I shouldn't be too hard on myself? That was a purposed question. I won't go into it, but I've done a lot these past few years and life happens, and it's not always how we'd like it to happen. We're all human and even when we move and think like a machine, even machines wear down. Year after year of shit and more shit and more moving and more starting wears anything down, and eventually you wear out and collapse or you just get so tired you don't feel like trying anymore.

And this is what goes through my head each time I have to open letters from Hawken, or see something about Emerson College or Chicago or Columbia College. Maybe I should see a therapist. But they cost money right? Yeah. Yeah they do. Okay three more pieces of Hawken mail. One is probably a bill. Yeah, it's a bill that I'm not opening addressed to my parents.

I'm just going to turn on Wendy Williams and focus on the pink and fluff for a minute and forget about the bills and the oil spill. Yes, I am going to just lighten the fuck up.

Two more pieces of mail.]

ok, fine, i will cut.

so, I am sending in an audition video for the Footloose(!) remake. I figured it can't hurt.

1.) I have rhythm
2.) I still look like I'm in high school sometimes
3.) I've got nothing to lose.

Number three seems incredibly important right now. I just finished another draft of The Manifesto and think I'll send it to the 1 in Ten screenplay competition. Though, to be honest, they screenplays that usually win are incredibly Camp or incredibly melodramatic so I don't know how I will fare.

But ever since I finally (I know, forgive me homos) Funny Girl for the first time, I now know why we love Barbara Streisand so much. She is...literally...like butter. She was born to play Fanny Brice. Fanny Brice was born to be portrayed by Barbara Streisand. Maybe I'll meet my Ziegfeld soon. Hello gorgeous indeed.

Ego, here I come!...I used an exclamation point. This must be serious.

urhm.

katie coleman had an art show as part of the cheap paper collective.

i bought a piece.

look:



http://www.etsy.com/shop/missmarjorie

a moment for the superficial.

it's all about the bracelets. i love a man who wears clothes and doesn't let them wear him.


HYPER(!!!)linked fromThe Sartorialist

my eyes are green.

i'm illin? a milli? million? like millionaire! OH!

3.23.2010

it's getting harder and harder to budge.

just a little bit of flesh please?

3.20.2010

let's suppose tomorrow will be
better than today
and tomorrow no one you know will die-
and there will be no classes tomorrow
and no time to show up to for work.
tomorrow you're free to do whatever you want-
and the drinks 30 minutes ago won't matter.
the beers and the queers that danced around your forehead
while you stood sober
won't matter one bit.
and the 40 days and 40 nights of no contact and no
pixelated fornication
will be easier than
eating a pint of magic brownies in less than an hour.
and the walls would be painted
and the furniture would be in place
and the tests would be studied for
and you would be able to keep the pace day after day
after day.
it's past midnight and its already tomorrow.
so maybe it's time to look at today.