as is.

[I'm finally opening the mail from Hawken. Each day I get new mail and I'm always so nervous to see what's inside. It's nerve wrecking. What was the price paid for me going to an "elite private school"? That I didn't have enough money to pay for an "elite college" experience? Grants help out but grants run out as well. I think about my former classmates and what they must be doing and each morning I wake up...most mornings I wake up, in my head I think, "3 years to make something of myself", "2 years to make something of myself". My ten year school reunion is coming up, and I've yet to even start my own life.

I shouldn't be too hard on myself? That was a purposed question. I won't go into it, but I've done a lot these past few years and life happens, and it's not always how we'd like it to happen. We're all human and even when we move and think like a machine, even machines wear down. Year after year of shit and more shit and more moving and more starting wears anything down, and eventually you wear out and collapse or you just get so tired you don't feel like trying anymore.

And this is what goes through my head each time I have to open letters from Hawken, or see something about Emerson College or Chicago or Columbia College. Maybe I should see a therapist. But they cost money right? Yeah. Yeah they do. Okay three more pieces of Hawken mail. One is probably a bill. Yeah, it's a bill that I'm not opening addressed to my parents.

I'm just going to turn on Wendy Williams and focus on the pink and fluff for a minute and forget about the bills and the oil spill. Yes, I am going to just lighten the fuck up.

Two more pieces of mail.]